​Noticing your intent is to relate or to control​

This chapter was very important for me because I experience many times the intent to relate but it end in control. Susan starts describing this chapter by the example of a mother that was very angry to her daughter because she enters to the kitchen with her shoes very dirty. Susan explain the difference

 

Between having control by hurt feelings instead if the case would be that the mother can call the attention of the daughter and explain and touch her feelings why she is so upset about the floor of the kitchen. This would be more useful and the girl would try to do it never again because she understand that doing that makes her mother feel bad and frustrated.

“Controlling comes from the need to be comfortable and safe, to avoid feeling awkward, uncomfortable, or unsafe”

“Basing our self-esteem on the ability to control external events actually keeps us feeling out of control”

Benefits of relating over controlling

 

“Relating is a communication between you and another person that is focused on your experience of the present moment.”

I like the way Susan explain the verb “Relating” it makes me analyze many areas in my life that I control instead of relate. I learn that by relate I have more pacific moments with my husband and family and I spend more good quality time with them instead that all the family is angry and wanting to have the control of everything.

Control Patterns
1.     Identifying with your story or script.
2.      Filtering your perceptions through strongly held beliefs.
3.     Getting your buttons pushed.
4.   Gesturing automatically.

5.   Speaking in a patterned way.

 

6.   Replaying the same self-talk over and over.

“Most people exhibit a variety of unconscious control patterns. These patterns limit your freedom of expression.”

This quote is the really true in every human. I experience it and every time I do something because I want and I was passionate about that I feel free and I feel that I´m living my own life. This happen when I decide to do what I really like and want to do and that was work in a foundation that construct houses to people that live in extreme poverty. Many people judge me because of that and many of them stop being my friends but that time in my life was one of the moments that I feel that I´m living being myself and doing what I really like. I feel strong emotions in all my body, the palpitations of my heart was very fast and I only want to cry about this emotion that I´m living and that no one of those friends that stop talking to me can make me feel.